101 DON'Ts of Life
by Raye Lynne
Summary: So, me and my friends were reading this book called "101 Things NOT to Do Before you Die," and we decided to make a list of our own! Some of these are serious, some are funny, and most will just make you go "wtf!" Guaranteed for a good laugh!


**101 MORE Things Not to do Before You Die!!!**

A/N: Okay, so, my friend Cait randomly brought this book in one day called "101 Things Not to do Before You Die", and we read it and it was awesome…but we decided it was missing a few things.^^ So, me (Rylan), Cait (raikim 4ever), and our other friend Michael put together this list. Oh, and another friend Dina made a few sidenotes. Some of these are serious, others are absolutely hilarious, and most of them will just make you go, 'what the fuck?!' So, here it is! Let me know what you think. Enjoy!

PS. We were not high when we made this list. Sad, I know. Now there's no excuse…

~Raye Lynne

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1. Don't use a period when you can use an exclamation point.

1b. Don't use the standard exclamation point (!) when you can use a starclamation point. (substitute the period on an exclamation point for a star of happy joyfulness.)

2. Don't turn into a _CORPORATEAMERICAN!_

3. Don't say 'shit' 'fuck' 'damn' 'bitch' or 'asshole' – say _CORPORATEAMERICAN! _(or_CORPORATEAMERICA! _or_CORPORATEAMERICANS _whenever applicable.)

4. Don't wear your jeans/any pants tucked into your socks. _Ever._

5. Don't have a rainball fight. It just doesn't work.

6. Don't piss off the ninjas. You will not live long enough to regret it.

7. Don't anger cracker gnomes. They will shove salty crackers up your nose. (Premium Plus [starclamation point])

8. Don't believe in physics. It's all gnomes.

9. Don't eat _CORPORATEAMERICAN _pretzels. They contain 99.99999% of the salt content that you need in a lifetime. If you eat two, you will die. And don't bother looking for any legal copy on the bag because it's microscopic.

10. Don't leave a store without finding out where they keep the llama eggs. You know they exist.

11. Don't molest doors. You may enjoy it, but the doors don't.

12. Don't call it a 'sneeze' when you can call it a 'nasal orgasm'.

13. Don't go to the 14th floor of a building that does not have a 13th floor, because the 14th floor is the still the 13th floor, no matter how much you want it to be the 14th floor. That would be the 15th floor.

13b. Don't try to kill yourself by jumping off a 14-storey building that does not have 13th floor, because you will die one level sooner.

14. Don't fear sugar highs. They are awesome [starclamation point]

15. Don't fear calories. Seriously. We will hurt you.

16. Don't die before learning how to fold a paper crane.

17. Do not stand at my grave and weep/I am not there; I do not sleep.

18. Don't stay in art class when you have a crazy substitute. Run away, kiddies, run away!

19. Don't approach an albino walrus. It might be a vampire albino walrus or simply a vampire walrus that id not albino. There's just no way to tell.

20. Don't take shit from ANYONE.

21. Don't get mad. Sniff Sharpies [starclamation point]

22. Don't be scared of exploding eggs. They actually won't blow your head off.

23. Don't watch a superhero movie marathon. You will think you have superpowers when you don't and die.

24. Don't get into a fight with someone who uses twisted logic. They will win and you will cry.

25. Don't eat paste, no matter how tempting it is. [Dina note: I don't =) ]

26. Don't use --_BLEEP-- , _use --_COPORATEAMERICAN!--_

't let all your jokes be about Chuck Norris. They may be funny at first, but they get old really fast.

28. Don't obsess romantically over fictional characters. [Dina note: *except for Dina and Alexis and Reese] They are not real and will never be real so give up if you do not wish to obtain a broken heart.

29. Don't refuse the Cheezies! Eat the damn Cheezies!

30. Don't do anything the easy way.

31. Don't go anywhere without pudding.

32. Don't ask why, it just is.

33. Don't die before you've read "Schlaruffenland".

34. Don't pass up a chance to use an umlaut (the two little dot things in layman's terms).

35. Don't ignore the voices in your head. They are always right.

36. Don't dent the existence of mythical creatures [starclamation point]

37. Don't say disco's dead [starclamation point]

38. Don't listen to criticism. Unless it's good.

39. Don't resist the urge to dance. Even if you suck. It's okay, we do, too.

40. Don't acknowledge anyone doing a moose impression. Just don't.

40b. Don't be a dear. Be a moose.

41. Don't miss a chance to say "Nicaragua".

42. Don't call abstract art "squiggles". A true artist knows the difference.

43. Never miss a chance to do jazz hands/jazz thrusts [starclamation point]

44. Don't give up without a fight.

45. Don't wear so much eye makeup that you are top heavy, or I personally will hunt you down and make you wash your face.

46. Don't die without finding out what a Tako Taco is. If you already know, good for you.

47. Don't give into your rage. Destroying public property may be fun, but it is illegal.

48. Don't tan and turn yourself orange or dark brown – unless that happens to be your natural skin tone. Hopefully your natural skin tone is not orange, because that would be very, very unfortunate. (Oompa Loompa [starclamation point])

49. Don't steal the idea for "Emo: The Board Game" [patent pending]

50. Don't argue with the truth.

51. Don't drink diet pop. It's gross.

52. Don't carry your backpack if it has wheels already (except for stairs).

53. Don't make fun of Loch Lomond or you will dai dai…daidaidai dai dai.

54. Don't confuse accents, or Michael will find you and rip your head off.

54b. Don't ask.

55. Don't believe the media; the media is corrupt! It's lies, all lies!

56. Don't vote Conservative! The world needs to change, and where the hell do you think the 'conserv' in Conservative comes from?!

57. Don't stand for tyranny! Stand and fight! Rebel!

58. Don't be a rebel unless you have a cause.

59. Don't have conversations with inanimate objects. (Dina note: Unless you're special)

60. Don't ever use the word 'multitasking'. You don't want to know. No. Seriously. You really, _really_ don't want to know.

61. Don't smoke hemp bracelets.

62. Don't be scared to talk to yourself.

62b. Don't worry. You're just as sane as we are…

63. Don't bother lying if you suck at it.

64. Don't miss a chance to burst out into song and dance, especially if said song and dance is in regards to "Steel Pier" or the 'masquerade' sequence in "Phantom of the Opera".

65. Don't be scared. The government is not watching you.

65b. Don't be fooled. The satanic chinchillas are most certainly watching you. Even now, they can see you…

66. Don't believe that "fa-la-la-la-la" is innocent. It's NOT.

66b. Don't be too disturbed by this example from a real song.

"It's springtime and the merry lads are playing

Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la

Each with his bonnie lass upon the greening grass

Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la."

See. We told you.

66c. Don't trust Ronald McDonald. He wants to fa-la-la-la-la you. The commercials tell us so.

67. Don't fear drawing stairs. They are just awesome-ized rectangles.

68. Don't push the blue star. Don't – Don't –

69. Don't forget to use your 'alt' key to make happy symbols of joyness. •◘○◙ « ►◄↕‼¶§▬↨↑↓→←∟↔▲▼

70. Don't snort your nasal orgasms.

71. Don't stop and smell the flowers. You might inhale a bee.

72. Don't do drugs; snort pollen.

73. Don't expect a theme here. We're not talking about plants anymore.

74. Don't take the low road; take the high road. Just trust us.

75. Don't yawn; don't yawn; don't yawn; don't yawn; don't yawn; don't yawn; don't yawn; don't yawn; don't yawn; don't yawn; don't yawn…

76. Don't watch ketchup sex.

77. Don't use outhouses. Not only are they gross, but an 88-year-old man lives in the hole and watches you.

78. Don't go into a store that's just closing. The cashier will kill you.

79. Don't take the stairs; always ride the escalator [starclamation point]

80. Don't keep too much outdated currency; you will cry when you remember you can't use it.

81. Don't ever say American money is better than Canadian money. Canadian money is coloured [starclamation point]

82. Don't compare Satanic Chinchilla Cn. with _CORPORATEAMERICANS!_

83. Don't buy anything that isn't ninja-approved.

84. Don't say "watashi wa baka niwatori" when you can say "watashi wa baka _yaki_tori".

85. Don't support the diet-lite-low-calorie-low-sodium-artificially-sweetened-25%-less-sugar-caffine-free movement.

86. Don't believe your doctors. Dying is the best thing for your health. After all, once you're dead, you don't have to worry about your health anymore, now, do you?

87. Don't EVER say anime isn't an art.

88. Don't be like the entertainment industry and confuse 'talent' with 'generic'.

89. Don't have a secret. Be water.

90. Don't forget these varying degrees of 'cool': Cool is standard, kool is kooler than cool, and qool is to qoolest cool of qoolness.

91. Don't watch 'Bedtime Stories' without a pillow and blanket.

92. Don't ever ask about the fourth gender.

92b. Don't even think about it.

93. Don't ever trust a clown. There has to be a reason why they're always smiling…

94. Don't use flashlights. Use 'flaradios'. Shh. Be water.

95. Don't be a cotton ball, be a pomu-pomu [starclamation point]

96. Don't pronounce things with a long 'a'. It's not fucking to-MAW-toes, people.

97. Don't settle for trampolines. Build a yarn room.

98. Don't 'heart' someone; 'pear' them.

99. Don't cheer for the home team; cheer for the away team just to be different.

99. Don't notice that there are 2 '99's in this list.

100. Don't trust anything grape-flavoured.

101. Don't think of these as rules. Think of these merely as suggestions that we plan to enforce.

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A/N: (a la Freud) So…you have now read the 101 rules for life. How does that make you feel? Happy? Convulsing with laughter? Weirded out? Emotionally scarred for life?

LET ME KNOW!!!!!

Please leave a review and let me and my friends know how our rules changed your life [starclamation point]

Also, be on the lookout for more of these in the future!

Peace!

~Raye Lynne, raikim 4ever and Michael


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